Applying for an apartment gave me a mental breakdown

How moving cracked open repressed emotions, and how it's so, very much not about moving

Photo by Kipras Štreimikis on Unsplash

This morning I had a menty-b while applying for a new apartment.

I’m in the process of looking for a new place to live—my current lease is up in March and the rent, once again, is going up.

Yesterday I viewed an almost perfect place: it fit so much of what I’m looking for:

• Tons of natural light, check.

• Decrease in monthly rent, check.

• Funky, old, unique space with character, check.

• Outdoor space for me and Milo, check.

Despite a downsize in space (which would mean selling the majority of my living room furniture as it wouldn’t fit/needing to buy new furniture) and a bathroom sink that constantly drips (I’ve had bathrooms with doors that don’t close from being so small) and living a little further from my natural habitat (I’m a big walker), it was a pretty wonderful unit.

After a small conniption at my friend’s house—

“I just feel like I’m doing that thing where I’m either putting pressure on myself to find the perfect thing so I’m not applying when something good enough comes around OR doing that thing where I’m forcing myself to find something better when where I live is just fine.”

And my friend’s gentle reminder—

“You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and, you did say you wanted to find somewhere with less rent and all these other things. What does your gut say?”

My gut says WTF ARGH THIS IS SO OVERWHELMING!

My brain was overshadowing my gut’s attempts to communicate with me with a swirl of thoughts:

• What if they deny my application because my income is so scattered?

• I should be further along by now—I’m 36 and need to downsize because I can’t afford this rent, shouldn’t I have my life more figured out?

• Why do I have so much shit anyways? I need to be a minimalist.

• How come I struggle so much with basic responsibilities?

• I’ve started over so many times I just can’t believe I’m here again.

"I think what’s making this so hard isn’t the actual moving or choosing a place or applying. What’s making this hard is that it’s reminding me of how many times I’ve had to start over. It reminds me of how inconsistent my income is because my work is inconsistent. It reminds me that in so many ways, I feel like I’m 26 again and just starting to figure out how to be an adult. It reminds me of how inadequate I feel, and it’s the inadequacy that’s making my gut hard to hear.”