5 Benefits of Cultivating Presence
5 Benefits of Cultivating Presence
Plus practical tips, recommendations, and support for how to actually get present.
Hi Pretty Humans,
Welcome to week one, day one, season one of The Messy Middle.
This season is all about presence. For the next three months, we will embark on a journey together of embracing the present moment, slowing down, and finding focus.
If you’re not a paid subscriber, you’ll want to upgrade your membership from free to paid in order to access all three months of The Messy Middle.
Today’s newsletter is available for free & paid subscribers, so if you’d like to get a taste of what I’m offering before you decide I’ll leave a link to upgrade at the end if you decide to join us.
Since this is day one, we are going to begin by setting a foundation for what’s to come.
What’s messin’ around in today’s newsletter:
What is Presence? Presence can mean many things depending on context. I’ll define presence so we can approach the next few months with a clear idea of what we’re focusing on.
Benefits of Presence: In case you aren’t already on board, I’m going to share the massive benefits of cultivating presence. I find this helps create a sense of hope or purpose: knowing why we are engaging in any practice or habit helps us stick with it when we inevitably face challenges.
Today’s Tip: I’ll offer a practical tool that you can start to apply this week to help you actually practice being present.
Rach’s Reccs: A few resources for you to explore in your own time this week or for the duration of the season to supplement your learning and growth.
Journaling Prompt: We’ll start off this season with setting intentions for the road ahead (and I’m hoping you’ll share your intentions with us in the comments! Community support is essential, and my hope is we’ll find that here.)
Ok bbs. Let’s begin.
Since the name of the game is presence, before reading this, ask yourself:
»Do I have time and energy to really sit with this information now? If not, can I carve out special time later in my day to really be present with what’s inside?
»What can I do to reduce distractions before engaging with this material?
»If I notice myself trailing off or losing focus, what’s a mantra I can use to bring me back to the words?
Well done bb. Let’s take a nice, deep breath in through the nose, and a long exhale out the mouth and sigh. Time to get present.
What is Presence?
Presence. Ah. My greatest challenge. The antithesis to a hyper-productive society. Yet somehow the real remedy to true, fulfilling accomplishment.
Presence shows up everywhere: physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, environmentally.
When we are present in our bodies, we are listening to hunger cues, resting when we’re tired, and peeing when we gotta pee (Rachel is the WORST at this, sorry to all humans ever on a road trip with me).
Presence emotionally means we feel our shit. When we feel sad, we allow ourselves to safely express the sadness, regulate, and return to baseline. We express our anger, resentment, or frustration instead of repressing it. We notice feelings come up, are familiar with where they reside in our bodies, and can appraise with some level of certainty (though nothing is ever truly certain, eh?) which emotion we’re feeling.
example: rejection often sends me into a tailspin emotionally. however, it’s not something I’ve fully let myself be present with—in the past I’ve taken rejection to the bar, the fridge, or the hinge. for a long time I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was rejection. it took a long time (and a lot of slowing down, pausing, and sitting with my emotional state) to identify the feeling as rejection and be able to recognize it’s presence. only then could I stop pushing it away (which only led to more suffering) and let myself actually feel it.
Relationally and socially, presence means listening. Putting our phones away during conversation. Eye contact. Paying attention to the body language and physical cues of others, and making efforts to communicate appropriately with our own bodies. We remember what loved ones say, notice details about people’s faces, and pick up on social cues.
When we are present with our environment, we’re noticing the sights, smells, and temperature around us. We’re walking with our heads up and eyes open. We remember directions more readily because we paid attention the last time we made the journey. Nature, infrastructure, and shelter suddenly become a relational experience, and we start to feel safer amidst our vast, endless surroundings.
The beautiful thing about presence is that it functions as a feedback loop.
It doesn’t matter where you start, if you practice presence in one area, you’ll trigger heightened presence in all the others. Getting present with our environment through our senses forces us to become present with our bodies. Being present in our bodies means we gain closer access to emotional cues that start as physical cues (ever hear the expressions “frog in my throat” or “sick to my stomach” to describe an emotion? It’s all related).
In a quasi-paradoxical way, to become present everywhere we only have to become singularly present somewhere.
If you want to become fully present everywhere, all you need to do is become singularly present somewhere.
Benefits of Being Present
There are dozens of presence-pros. The benefits of being present are akin to the benefits of mindfulness (as you’ve probably guessed, mindfulness is a major tool in cultivating presence).
Reduced Anxiety and Stress
Busy minds and busy bodies are the name of the game in Western culture. We’re encouraged to do more, produce more, work more, relate more, heal more, exercise more, fuck more, abstain more, more more more. This leads us to over exert ourselves on a variety of levels and leads to burnout, chronic stress, or general anxiety.
When we’re fixated on this concept of “more,” our thoughts typically center around the future (all that has to be done to accomplish XYZ), or comparison (what everyone else is doing and how we can catch up). This means our thoughts are both in front of the present moment and peripheral to it: we’re thinking outside of the here and now instead of with the here and now.
Presence allows us to drop back into the now and release the peripheral thoughts that don’t necessarily belong here. As Eckhart Tolle says in his book The Power of Now, “Your life situation may be full of problems — most life situations are — but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?” (Tolle, E., 2004, p. 63).
“Your life situation may be full of problems — most life situations are — but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now?” -Eckhart Tolle
Stronger Relationships & Deeper Connections
Presence allows us to actually listen to one another. When we really listen, we start to deepen our awareness of what people are really saying. We pick up on tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. We get clues as to how someone might be feeling, which allows us to tap more deeply into our empathic, compassionate, or intuitive social selves. We ask better questions, offer wiser insight, and touch on more vulnerable topics with heightened sensitivity.
Life wakes up when we’re in connection—real, awkward, brave and messy connection. And to access this tender space, we must become present with one another and with ourselves. I would argue it’s one of the scariest places to show up with our eyes and hearts completely wide open—and undoubtedly reaps the most benefits.
Better Sex
Send help. I want this benefit to giddy-up and go. Years of unsatisfying, one-sided sex paired with a history of sexual trauma damaged my ability (and even desire) to remain present in sex. As soon as I enter the sex station, I hop on the dissociation train. I leave my body, leave the moment, and I’m off somewhere else.
Dissociation is a common symptom for trauma survivors of all kinds. Our brain is smart and loves us, and in horrific events that are too unfathomable for the mind, it does what it can to help us not experience it. Dissociation is a mechanism for mentally and emotionally surviving something we can’t physically escape. Unfortunately, after a traumatic event or series of many incredibly stressful or unpleasant events, our minds start to program dissociation as a way to either cope with any similar or unpleasant situation.
This is why I still dissociate during sex, despite being in situations that are completely safe, reciprocal, and consensual. The event itself isn’t unsafe, but it’s familiar enough to trigger my brain into thinking we’re at dissociation-station.
Getting off the train requires serious attention and ability to help my mind come back to the present moment. Often this means I’m spending half of sexy time repeating mantras to bring my brain back to the present moment. This sucks, but is still a massive improvement from times when I was far, far away from beginning to end. My hope is that with more practice, my ability to remain present in my body, present with a partner, and present to my pleasure will be strong enough to keep me from ever getting on the train in the first place.
Improved Sleep, Digestion, & Physical Health
When we listen to our hunger cues, rest when we’re tired, stop eating when we’re satisfied, and breathe when it’s time to breathe (I know some of y’all are out there holding your breath), a lot happens.
Our bodies start to work. Our bodies are so smart. They know when it’s time to eat, sleep, shit, cry, fuck, give birth, drop something heavy, drink water, give a high five, turn around and run away from the stranger (we are better at listening to some cues over others). The more present we become, the more heightened our attunement becomes to these innate signals.
More Joy, Delight, & Gratitude
Presence cultivates gratitude, just as gratitude cultivates presence. For those who might be gratitude-averse, presence can be a nice gateway to gratitude.
When I’m depressed, gratitude is the last thing I want to practice. Nothing feels good in my life, so what the fuck should I be grateful for? Similarly, finding joy is like finding a fuck to give about bitcoin. It’s just not in the cards for me. This is why finding presence can feel like a more accessible route to improving my mood, and not in a “cheer up” kind of way, but in an “over time, my temperament is content at baseline” kind of way.
Presence allows us to be with what’s in front of us: our meal and how it tastes and smells, a person we love and the way they smile at us, a hazy morning sky and the mystery of the universe. We start to pay attention to details we may not otherwise notice, enjoy flavors we otherwise wouldn’t taste, and appreciate people we may have previously taken for granted.
If gratitude doesn’t come easily, try presence. Conversely, if you struggle to stay presence, try gratitude. It’s a chicken and egg situation—it doesn’t matter where you start, one leads to the other. Start where you feel the least resistance.
Improved Memory
I’ll be brief with this one sine there’s science involved (and I imagine you’re eager to get to the tips below).
Fun (or not so fun) fact: trauma or highly stressful events put the brain in survival mode. In plain terms, when the brain senses danger, it goes into fight/flight/freeze and stops “unnecessary” processes in order to do one thing: survive the threat.
One “unneccessary” process that gets shut off is memory: the part of the brain that is responsible for storying memory (the hippocampus) gets bypassed in the brain’s normal cognitive path. One stressful event or trauma might not damage the hippocampus, but ongoing, repeated, or horrific trauma and stress can create a pattern of skipping the hippocampus. Over time, our hippocampus is used less, meaning we aren’t storing memories as often or as well.
Presence, mindfulness, and the art of attending to the moment are ways to strengthen the hippocampus. Research studies show that mindfulness increases the grey matter in the hippocampus over time. I.E., memory is improved (Hölzel, B. K. et al., 2011).
Today’s Tip for Getting Present
Chances are you’re here because you’re already overwhelmed, so I’m not going to ask you to add 10 minutes of meditation to your day or sit down and do an exercise (if you want to include something extra, that’s fine! I’ve included recommendations further down if you’d like suggestions).
Today’s tip is about applying presence to your already existing day-to-day. Instead of adding mental activity to your life, I’m going to invite you to meet yourself where you already are and remove mental clutter.
One Thing in the Moment
“One thing in the moment” or “One Mindfully) is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill. I learned this skill in Eating Disorder treatment years ago, and it was pivotal in my recovery as well as ongoing anxiety management (DBT Self Help, 2022).
To practice, you simply focus on one task, one motion, one thing at a time.
No shit, Rachel. But how do I do that when I’m accustomed to multi-tasking, get distracted, or am forgetful?
This will be hard at first. That’s why we practice. If it’s difficult, it probably means you need it (you’re not broken!) I just mean it’s hard because it’s not familiar. We get familiar with something through repetition, which is why this is the only practice I want you to work with this week.
How to Practice:
Narrate your day-to-day basic activities
example scenario: when I make my morning coffee, I usually find myself also making breakfast, checking instagram, and tripping over my furniture. I’m multi-tasking before I’m even caffeinated. By narrating the “making of the coffee,” I force my brain and body to link up and sync up, and discover I’m now only making coffee.
how to do it: In my mind (or out loud if I’m alone), I literally say what I’m doing: “I’m taking out a filter. I’m putting the filter in the coffee machine. I’m scooping the coffee. I’m putting the coffee in the machine.” etc. Narration is essentially forced mindfulness: we talk our minds towards the action, and enforce attention on the right here, right now.
Find a mantra
When I catch myself multi-tasking, it’s helpful to have a go-to mantra or phrase to trigger me back into attending to my primary focus.
My mantra (which you are welcome to adopt) is: “just this moment, just this task.” I repeat it until I am drawn back to what I have decided to focus on.
Commit to one thing at a time
If you have a to-do list or work tasks, prioritize the list from most important (or time sensitive) to least. Then focus on one task at a time, completing one task before moving on to the next.
Take breaks. Even if the “one thing” you’re focused on isn’t completed in an hour, give your mind a rest. I block all my work into one hour chunks and stop for a break even if I’m not done. (I love this TikTok on hour-blocking for ADHD by @midcenturymillennial) In a way, that gives me permission to reduce overwhelm with “just this task, just this hour.” There’s an end in sight, which makes it easier to begin.
My invitation for you is to simply start implementing “one thing in the moment” or “one thing at a time” into your day-to-day. No need to add more—simply notice what is in place now, and invite the mind to return to one thing in the moment.
Just this moment. Just this task.
Rach’s Recommendations
If you’d like to fill out your week with some additional reading, music, or meditation, I’ve linked a few recommendations for you below!
Read: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (full book)
Practice: Breathwork to Slow Down with Carolyn Anne Budgell on the Insight App (9 minutes)
Listen: I Release Control by Alexa Sunshine Rose. (this song is on my Morning Meditation playlist if you want to check that out too!)
Journaling Prompt
Today’s journaling prompt is to set an intention for the season ahead. Grab your journal, laptop, or wherever feels like a safe place to begin this journey.
note: you’ll get a journaling prompt every week if you’re subscribed to The Full Mess. you’ll also get long-form journaling prompts once a month, so it might be nice to have a dedicated journal or document on your laptop for The Messy Middle.
Write freely on this question without editing/filtering yourself:
» Why would I like to focus on bringing more presence into my life?
Once that feels complete, you’ll write one singular statement of intention. Try to be specific. Hopefully the free-form journaling on the question above will get you thinking about what feels like a primary motivator for getting present, for you.
You can use one of the below lead-ins if you feel stuck:
My intention for this season of The Messy Middle is:
My intention for my presence-practice is:
My intention is to cultivate presence so that:
I intend to practice presence because:
My intention is to:
My intention is to: cultivate presence in my body so that I can have more a pleasurable, intimate, and courageous sex life.
Share your intentions with us in the comments section so we can support you!
I hope you found today’s newsletter helpful.
There was a lot of information, so give yourself time to let it sink in before running to narrate your day—take a break, relax, and return to the information when you’re rested.
To my paid subscribers:
Be sure to check out the Mess Hall chat for exclusive Q&A and support from me this season. To access the Mess Hall, you’ll need to download the Substack app.
Stay tuned for next week’s Monday Messy with more tips, recommendations, & journaling prompts.
To my free subscribers:
If you’d like to receive this newsletter every week and get access to monthly journaling prompts & more in depth support, I invite you to upgrade to a paid subscription for only $5/month.
When you become a paid subscriber, you’ll get access to The Full Mess:
The Monday Messy: weekly newsletters like this one
We Met in the Middle: weekly stories of humanity & my mental health
Exclusive Mess Hall support: Q+A with Rach and extra tips throughout the season
Monthly Journaling prompts: Long form journaling prompts for deeper introspection, growth, and healing
If you’d rather stick with a free subscription, that’s ok! You can upgrade at any time and will get access to all past newsletters and material, so any day you choose to join us you’ll unlock the full history of The Full Mess.
You can also do a 7-day free trial and test the mess:
To all my subscribers:
Don’t forget to introduce yourself in the Mess Hall! I’d love for us to build community support on this journey. I’ve dropped an icebreaker in the chat here:
Invite a friend!
If you know anyone you think would like to join us this season, there are a few ways to invite your friends or beloved! No matter when they join, they’ll unlock access to all past posts so they can catch up and meet you in the mess!
Share The Messy Middle and let them know you’d like them to join you on the journey! They can decide whether to do a free or paid subscription.
Gift a subscription! This a great way to bring a friend or partner along for the ride so you can grow together, support one another, and keep eachother accountable. Did someone say workout buddy for the mind and soul?
Group discounts! If you have a bundle of bbs you know would want to get messy and do some hot-human-healthy stuff together, a group subscription saves you 20% on all your memberships!
Phew, that was a lot. Day one will always be more robust than the rest as it’s laying the foundation, and mama wants a solid foundation to build a sick-ass house from.
As always, I love the heck outta ya, & I’m so grateful you’re here.
If you have questions or feedback, the comments section on this post is open to all.
From this moment to yours,
Rachel
References
Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry research, 191(1), 36–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2010.08.006
How Skills: One-Mindfully, Non-Judgmentally, Effectively. (2022, January 11). DBT Self Help. https://dbtselfhelp.com/dbt-skills-list/mindfulness/how-skills/
Tolle, E. (2004). The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. New World Library.