Conversations with people who love me

Things people have said this week that have helped my depression

On Sunday I texted my cousin:

[Hey, do you have space to talk today? I’m spiraling.]

I was in Lisbon, and for the first 8 hours of the day most of my friends and family were still asleep. She was on the east coast of Canada, meaning of all my family members I trusted to call, she was the person I could speak to soonest. And time felt of the essence.

[Yes, I just woke up. Going to have some coffee, then I’m free. Give me 25.]

I held the panic inside, holding onto the hope of hearing the voice of someone who knew me.

She was the fifth person I’d talked to in the span of two days—an an unusually high number for me. I am known to isolate and keep my feelings to myself. Yes, I write about my internal world all the time, but writing publicly and calling a loved one are not the same. When it comes to actually dealing with my problems, I do it alone.

So the fact that I had called on five people in such a short amount of time meant something to me. It meant things were really bad, and that I’ve grown. Both were true.

“What’s going on, Rach?” She asked after sharing her own little embarrassing story, as if to break the ice, as if to say, “it’s safe here.”

“I just, I can’t keep living like this.” I spiraled in front of her on the phone. Doing my best to talk when I wanted to stop. Doing my best to make words when words didn’t seem right. Doing my best not to filter or judge what came out or solve my own problem internally before letting it flounder before me.

At one point she stopped me, and said,

“Rachel. Rachel. Ok. Breathe. First of all, I am so sorry things have been so hard and that you’re hurting so much. I really am. But I want you to remember something. You have made it through every single one of your hardest days. You have a 100% success rate.”

This comment angered me because it was true. She was right. Somehow she could feel my fear of failure seeping through my nonsense, and she knew that the belief I had in that moment was that I had a 0% success rate. That my life was one big get up and fail. She heard doubt when what I needed was hope. And she gave me some.

My cousin wasn’t the only one who said things to me that stuck.

I realized that in forcing myself to get present, I’ve had to also acknowledge ways in which I need to outsource. That I can’t outthink my pain, and I need outside help to reframe and redirect.

As a result, I’ve asked for more help from the people in my life than I think I ever have. And not in profound or grandiose ways—in simple but still meaningful ways. In short texts or long phone calls. And my people have surprised me. They’ve shown up. Which isn’t a surprise based on who they are—it’s a surprise to the very wrong, old, twisted belief that no one could ever understand me.

Here are some of the things people have said to me this week that helped me.

After a long, LONG few days of crying and panic attacks (you can read more about that here), I decided to leave Lisbon and return home.

There was a lot of shame and disappointment. My ego flared up. The part of me that has held on desperately since getting divorced that I could figure everything out for myself was humbled (again).

I need support. Stability. Family. Probably everything I needed right after my divorce but resisted, because I wanted to go it alone.

Turns out my family and friends do understand me. They get me. They want to help me, I just have to let them.

So when I let myself actually call in the troops for help this week, I was met with wisdom and understanding, and it helped.

Among other things that helped me find some grounding in those conversations, these are the statements that stood out. I’ve turned them into little mantras and made some graphics below. (if you choose to share them please tag rachel_havekost on instagram, or reference this post as I’m off social media this week and won’t be sharing myself.)

“I'm proud of you for choosing yourself. For choosing your health. How can I be there for you?”

“You’ve made it through every single one of your hardest days. You have a 100% success rate.”

“I don't bounce back or recover right away. Not even close. I think that's the scary thing about social media: we only see the part where people bounce back.”

“You’re being wise in seeking support—not weak. It shows you want what’s best for you, and that you’re willing to drop your ego to make it happen.”

“I know it’s a difficult time. But you’re in a good place to ground yourself to achieve the things you want. Hold on baby girl, it’s all coming.”

None of these statements saved or fixed me. But they helped. And the more present I become, the more I come to accept that the goal is not salvation. It’s just the next right step. The next right choice.

And with the help of my friends and family, I was able to make that step.

What are some things people have said to you that have helped? (share in the comments).

Sending big hugs,
Rachel