Learning to "Micro-Pause"

Try this if you struggle with anger

Welcome to week seven, season one of The Messy Middle.

This season is all about presence. For first three months of 2023, we are embarking on a journey together of embracing the present moment, slowing down, and finding focus.

Last week we gave ourselves permission to actually be at peace in the presence. This week we’re tuning into micro-presence: we’re noticing the tiny triggers we might normally be unaware of, the miniature moments when magic is made, and the subtle ways in which presence brings forth small but mighty discovery.

What’s messin’ around in today’s newsletter:

1. Micro-presence and the micro-pause: What is micro-presence, and how can we use it to our advantage?

2. Today’s Tip: I’ll offer a practical tool that you can start to apply this week.

3. Rach’s Reccs: A few resources for you to explore in your own time this week or for the duration of the season to supplement your learning and growth.

4. Journaling Prompt: Some questions to conjure micro-presence within yourself, and get on the path to micro-presence in your day to day life.

   

Micro-presence: tiny triggers, miniature moments, & the small but mighty cues from the subconscious

After attending eating disorder treatment in 2015 I became savagely aware of what triggers me. I started to recognize moments when my body would shut down, heat up, or feel like a big black swirling cloud and think, “oh, something is happening, is this—a feeling?”

Before treatment I couldn’t name my emotions. My therapist would ask me how I was in a session and I’d reply “fine” blandly. She showed me a feeling wheel and said, “why don’t you look at this and see if anything stands out.”

I was perplexed.

Did you know there are like, hundreds of words to describe anger? And that each word depicts a nuanced human experience so distinct we’ve assigned it its own name? That resentment feels different than frustration, and that frustration with others feels different than frustration towards self?

That emotions, like tiny flags waving deep in our subconscious, are micro cries calling out to us from the dark? Compelling us to pay attention with as much specificity as the names we’ve given them?

Turns out I feel angry. A lot.

I used to tell people I wasn’t an angry person. And I believed that. The truth is, I was furious. Enraged. Angry, but without tools to express it and nowhere to direct it. All the rage I believed I didn’t possess was bottled up inside, and I was aiming arrows at my own heart.

So much of my eating disorder was born in that bottled up rage. A way to control the resentment I felt towards my parents. A way to cope with the rejection I felt from boys or friends. A way to punish myself for not living up to other’s expectations. A way to stay good, pleasant, and easy for everyone around me.

The unleashing of this anger made me feel out of control—not only was I learning to cope with old anger, I was practicing recognizing anger as it came up in the moment.

I’ve worked through a lot of old anger. This doesn’t mean I no longer feel angry—life still throws shit my way and I feel anger alot. But now my practice is in getting really present with the feeling that arises so I can acknowledge, name, and process it presently rather than save it for later. The saving it for later is what does more harm, and I’m on a do-no-harm mission.

Today’s Tip: Micro-Pauses

By committing to little pauses when I feel an emotion rising, I gain access to miniature messages from my subconscious. Turns out these miniature messages lead to big learning.

What is a “micro-pause?”

A “micro-pause” is a pre-cursor to a full stop: it’s an opportunity to begin introducing little “waits” when we feel triggered, rushed, or dissociated. I often feel like it’s way too difficult to take a full blown stop when I’m in an agitated or in a heightened emotional state, so micro-pauses meet me where I’m at. It’s better to implement several micro-pauses than layer in more frustration on top of whatever heightened feeling is already present.

Let’s do an example scenario:

A guy I was messaging on a dating app asked me on a date. He said he was free on the weekend, but we didn’t set a specific day or time. I cleared my weekend so I could make sure I was available for when we met. On Friday he messaged me, “does tomorrow afternoon work?” I said yes. On Saturday morning he said, “let’s do this evening, my day is going slower than planned.” I said ok. Still, no specific plan had been set. I notice myself starting to feel agitated. My body temperature felt high. I couldn’t focus and I felt impatient. I was pacing, and my heart was racing.

This was my cue to instigate the micro-pause.

When the body chemistry starts to change, listen for the miniature message.

Something was happening in my body. And instead of feeling present, focused, or calm during normal activity, I was distracted, irritated, and experiencing physical sensations. Cues to pause.

I sat down on my bed and asked myself, “what is going on, Rach? What are you feeling?”

I feel like my time is being wasted. He isn’t making solid plans, and pushed back our only existing plan. I cleared my whole schedule and I feel like I’m just waiting around for him, and like he just expects me to be free. Resent. Frustration.

The next thing I asked myself was, “is this worth bringing up with him, or something I process with another person like a friend considering he and I don’t have a relationship? How much of this is rational, real-time anger, and how much is old, unresolved resentment?”

This was my cue to sit in the pause a little longer. By taking a micro-pause, I’d given myself just enough wiggle room to wedge my way into a bigger space. Small steps lead to bigger action.

I called a friend and told her the situation. Her feedback expanded the micro-pause into a full stop: she met me inside the tiny bubble of confusion and helped me gently push the walls out. She held her arms wide so I could see better. And in this more spacious version of my bubble, I saw the miniature message hiding in my subconscious.

“It sounds like maybe you’re also frustrated with yourself,” she said. “Like you crossed your own boundaries by clearing your weekend for him before any plans were set. Maybe you abandoned yourself by putting yourself second. He didn’t ask you to clear your whole weekend, and even if he had, that would be a super weird request for a first date. I do agree he’s not being respectful by pushing your date time back last minute, but I also wonder how much of this resentment is because you reverted to old people-pleasing/self-betrayal behaviors.”

The space had cleared, and the miniature message was clear. Big learning.

She was right. And because I let myself take that micro-pause, I diverted a potentially unnecessary argument before ever even meeting someone. And I learned something: I learned not to abandon myself for a stranger in the future. I learned to continue prioritizing myself until a relationship is formed and there is a relationship to maintain. I don’t have to give myself away to be loved.

To practice:

• Become aware of physical associations that accompany your emotions (i.e. when you feel sad, what happens in your body? where do you feel it? is it hot? cold?)

• Start to notice when the physical sensations arise throughout the day and invite yourself to physically stop and ask, “what is happening in my body?”

• “Push back” your reactions. If you feel triggered, emotional, or like you need to address a conflict, ask yourself if you can push it back just a little. Sometimes I think I’m ready to engage in a difficult conversation, respond to a bully online, or eat a meal before I’ve really regulated my feelings. If I notice any of the physical sensations arise when trying to engage in a related activity or one that requires a calm state, I invite myself to push back reacting just a little longer.

Rach’s Recommendations

A few supplemental tools to keep you motivated throughout the week!

• Listen: The Power of the Pause: Do This When Life Disappoints on the Mel Robbins Podcast (8 minutes)

• Use: Here is a Feelings Wheel, just like the one I used in treatment. You might find it helpful this week while navigating your emotions in the moment during your micro-pauses.

Journaling Prompts (share your answers in the comments!)

• Make a list of the 5 core emotions: anger, love, fear, surprise, sadness, joy. For each emotion, try to write out what you feel physically for each of these emotions. Tip: ask yourself where you feel it in your body, what temperature it has, what pace it feels like, and what color it might be.

• When are times I ignore my emotions, and what usually happens as a consequence?

• Are there any emotions I avoid more than others? Why do I think that might be?

• How do I think using micro-pauses might help me?

note: if you are looking for a consistent gratitude practice, gratitude is a major component in my 90 Day Guided journal, “The Self-Healer’s Journal.” I made a 7-day free version if you want to try it and see if it might be helpful in building a routine practice:

As always, I love the heck outta ya, & I’m so grateful you’re here.

If you have questions or feedback, I’m here.

From this moment to yours,
Rachel