March Journaling Prompts

Inspired by self-betrayal, rejection, and what's holding me back

For the first week of March I’m giving away signed copies of my memoir, “Where the River Flows.” For instructions on how to enter, click the button below.

My therapist asked me this week if I was aware of what triggered a relapse in eating disorder symptoms.

I grunted. Easy.

18 years of therapy boiled down into three distinct yet utterly related concepts:

“Insecurity. When I betray myself. Rejection.”

I’m afraid to be fully myself because rejection terrifies me. In turn, I betray that fullness, and experience rejection anyway.

For years I put myself in tiny boxes. Shoved away my thoughts or beliefs to appease the masses. Did what was necessary to remain small and tidy: a digestible, easy to handle, simple version of the perfect woman.

I was paralyzed by the idea that if I showed up fully, I might get rejected and then my worst fear would be true: I would discover I was as unlovable as I believed.

Terrified that simply being myself could offend, annoy, or scare people off.

This belief unpacked itself tenfold after my divorce, when my worst fear actually was realized: someone who committed to love me their entire life no longer could (or maybe no longer wanted to). 

Years of eating disorder treatment, trauma therapy, and post-divorce grief taught me that the above realization was false evidence. I’m not unlovable, and, I cannot avoid rejection. Life is full of rejection. The truth is the more we become ourselves, the more rejection we experience. The more clear, loud, and distinct we become, the sharper our image. The starkness creates contrast for those who aren’t attracted to our way of being, and that’s ok, because it means we are finally bright and bold enough to be seen by those who seek us.

But this realization took years. It took a decade to get to a place where I loved myself, let alone see rejection in this light.

Loving myself was just a stepping stone. The real work came after, when I didn’t have to just love myself. I had to be myself. 

Sure, I could love the shadow, dark, twisted parts of me that weren’t perfect. After years in therapy I relinquished the notion that perfectionism existed in the construct I’d once imagined it. In turn, I could love the parts of myself that were messy, different, or in progress.

But could I let myself be all of it? Could I allow myself to step beyond unconditional self-love and into unconditional being? Unconditional acceptance? An unconditional commitment to radically lean into living, and release the need to be everything for everyone?

This month, I am leaning into radical being. Radical me-ing. March’s journaling prompts will help us let go of what blocks us from being our big, brave, beautiful selves and charge us with the courage to lean into YOU.

If you’d like to join me, my journaling exercise is below.

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