My Depression is "Getting Bad"
When the voice says "there's no reason" here is how I find the voice of reason.
Lately my depression has gotten worse.
I called my mom today in tears—something I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done years ago, but something I’m grateful we’ve learned to navigate together.
“Mom, it’s getting bad again. I’ve been sleeping 13+ hours every night, my eating is all messed up and I’m drinking a lot. I know it’s bad because when I try to get out of bed, I think to myself ‘there’s nothing to get up for,’ even though there is.”
She gently encouraged me to remain gentle with myself. She offered her home as a small reset getaway. She offered check-ins and reminded me I’m only human.
For more about how my mom and I healed our relationship, read my memoir, “Where the River Flows.”
“You’re very good at being hard on yourself Rachel, but I promise you, you’re doing enough.”
But am I?
I told her there’s an underlying theme in my life right now of feeling inadequate. Like I’m not working hard enough or learning enough or creating enough.
“Is it that you think you should, or that you want to?” She asked curiously.
There were times my mother wouldn’t ask these kinds of questions. There were times she’d ask what I was doing to make things better or what had happened to trigger my sadness. There were times I shut down or dissociated when we spoke. To have a soft space to land in my mother has been the most healing gift in my last five years of recovery. She has become a safe person who loves me unconditionally and a person who has taught herself how to love and listen to a daughter with depression.
“I think it’s both,” I muttered. “I think I should be doing more, and I want to. So the shame layers in extra thick, because not only do I feel the weight of what other people think, I feel the disappointment from my own heart in not doing what I want to do.”
Depression has visited me many times in the last twenty years.
And while it always looks a little different, threatens me a little less, and dissolves with a bit more ease, some parts never change: I start to believe there isn’t a reason to get up in the morning; I lose motivation to do the things I care about, and I feel like nothing I do, am, or have is enough.
This is how I know it’s “getting bad,” and these clues are now markers for when it’s time to call on reinforcements.
So for the next few weeks, I’m slowing down. I’m prioritizing my mental health, knowing that without it, nothing else matters.
Here is what I plan to do (with a lot of compassion, flexibility, and support):
Tell my people
The first thing I do when my depression “gets bad” is tell the people in my close circle. Here is the text I sent my best friends this morning, if you need a template:
Return to therapy
Yes, I stopped going to therapy. A few months ago I switched therapists because I wanted to focus on Internal Family Systems (IFS). Unfortunately, the new therapist forgot who I was in our second session and thought it was our first. This did not bode well for my trust and I stopped going.
Finding a new therapist is OVERWHELMING AF.
I made a thread post last week asking for advice on how to find a therapist, and it has some incredible comments/suggestions from psychologists/counselors all over the country on how to find a new therapist if you’re in the same boat.
Focus on Sleep
My sleep has been WHACK. 13+ hours every night along with batshit dreams that feel more real than reality, so I’m struggling to wake up. All this does is perpetuate the shame because when I do finally wake up, I’m angry with myself for oversleeping, feel like I’ve wasted half the day, and wake up in a panic about what I need to accomplish which is not good for my cortisol levels.
My goal is to be in bed at 10pm, journal before bed to try and clear any internal thoughts/subconscious lingerings that show up in my dreams, and listen to deep sleep playlists on Spotify. What I’m NOT sure how to navigate is waking up if I still have those coma-like dreams, so if anyone has tips on that please let me know.
Find one reason to wake up
I’m going to try to pick ONE thing to look forward to every tomorrow. I.E. GIVE myself a reason to wake up. This might mean I’m doing something special/extra/different for myself to ignite that desire, rather than looking for something that already exists which can be harder to do when I’m depressed.
So for example, I’m buying myself a new protein powder today so I can make a new kind of oatmeal tomorrow morning, and I’m looking forward to a really yummy breakfast after several days of sleeping through breakfast. IDK. Hopefully that helps.
If you’re in the throes of depression, you’re not alone.
I’m really sorry if you are, and I hope this post gave you some support or at least the reminder it’s not just you.
I love you very much, we got this, and life is worth it.
All my love,
XX
-RACH
Rachel Havekost is the bestselling author of “Where the River Flows,” “Write to Heal,” and “The Inner Child Journal.” Rachel has single-handedly built an online social media presence with a combined 300k+ individuals devoted to de-stigmatizing mental health. She uses her writing and social platforms to share her wisdom and experience from 19 years of therapy for her eating disorder recovery, suicidal depression, anxiety, trauma, and divorce.
To read the full story of my eating disorder and experience with depression and suicide, read my memoir “Where the River Flows.”
For more written work, guided journals, and education, head to www.rachelhavekost.com