Surviving, stabilizing, and settling into joy as someone with a history of mental illness.

A day I thought might never come.

This post is paired with this week’s Monday Messy. If you like journaling prompts or want tips in your recovery or grieving process, head to that post after reading today’s story (linked at the end of this piece).

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Yesterday I sent a voice memo to my best friend to process what I thought was grief. While recording, I discovered it was something different.

yes, I’ve included that voice memo in this post.

This weekend is my stepbrother’s wedding, which will be the first wedding I’ll attend after getting divorced.

Normally in a situation like this, I cope ahead or use some DBT skills to help me navigate a potentially triggering environment.

For some reason though, it hadn’t occurred to me to do that. And while some feels were a-brewin’ they didn’t quite feel like the grief pain I’ve been in the throws of for the last three years.

hear more about my grief journey in this podcast below

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I told my friend was feeling emotional and tired but couldn’t quite wrap my hands around something tangible.

That everything was fine--which it truly is for the first time in years.

That nothing had happened--or that my reactions to what happens nowadays are less rooted in insecurity and more in acceptance of being disliked.

That despite still having the same uncertainty about career and love and what comes next, I’m ok.

Listen to the voice memo below, because my whole life is already on the internet so what’s another oh-so-personal-moment at this point👇🏼

The voice memo is transcribed and edited below if listening to audio isn’t your thing. Also please have mercy for how much I say “like,” yes I’m aware of it and no I don’t “like it” lol. Also ALSO please have mercy for Milo getting after his squeaky toy in the background.