Why do we resist the good?
Familiar doesn't always mean safe.
Welcome to week six, season two of The Messy Middle.
This season is all about accepting parts of self.
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Sometimes getting better just looks like getting perspective.
At the beginning of May, I started using my Write to Heal workbook again. I’m about to step down (crosses fingers) in eating disorder treatment, and it felt like a good time to reconnect with myself and re-establish values, interests, and dreams.
Last week I wrote about the realization that I was starting to play a role in my own suffering (what else is new). I wrote about self-sabotage, and how a core belief that I deserve to suffer was preventing me from experiencing change. (Read that newsletter here or below).
Things I still do, even though I know better
I am the queen of self-sabotage. Should there ever be an award for “one who punishes themselves the most despite being a relatively decent being of the human species,” I would certainly have the golden medal. My therapist’s favorite line these days is, “that sounds pretty self-sabotage-y.” No kidding Susan. (That’s not her name, but today it is. Today Susan is my therapist. Today my therapist is self-sabotage-sighting-susan.)
What I’m noticing as I move through this workbook (and slowly adopt the new belief that I don’t deserve to suffer) is that a lot of my mental and emotional turmoil (at least now, years removed from any actual event or traumatic experience), is rooted in rumination. There is no major present problem besides my mind.
There is no major present problem besides my mind.
The constant self-analysis keeps my focus on what’s wrong, and I’m realizing in doing so I’ve become attached to my pathology.
So, in this season of my life, I am aiming my focus elsewhere: at the present moment, at solving only problems right in front of me, and what’s going well.
What’s messin’ around in today’s newsletter:
Accepting what’s working: Why does it feel so hard to accept that things are going well? Why do we resist the good?
Today’s Tip: I’ll offer a practical tool that you can start to apply this week.
Rachel’s Recommendations: Podcasts, dance songs, and books that feel relevant to this season of growth.
Journaling Prompts: Some questions I’m pondering around letting life feel good.
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