I'm scared I'm dead inside

After 18 years of therapy, I feel...nothing. Does that mean it didn't work?

Welcome to week 8, Season Three of THE MESSY MIDDLE

The theme of this season is showing up authentically (someone needs to teach me that doesn’t mean trauma dumping drunk on a first date). If you’re just joining us, I invite you to go back to week one and start there :) Otherwise, you are welcome to dive right in, right here, right friggity now.

What to expect in today’s newsletter:

• Storytime: Where did my feelings go?

• Tip du Jour: Find your feelings!!! How to catch them (not like, for someone, but like, pokemon style)

• Journaling Prompts: How do I feel, about not feeling (how meta)

If you are someone who is at a crossroads in your healing journey, knows the depths of suicidal depression, grief of divorce, or isolation of eating disorder recovery, The Messy Middle will feel like a warm “you are not alone” hug.

STORYTIME: Where did my feelings go?

Ok so, after idk, 18-ish years of on-again-off-again major depression and anxiety, I, uh, feel fine.

But like, a little too fine.

Like when I watched TikTik Boom to try and ignite a flood of tears and nothing happened. Or when I reviewed my wedding photos and nothing came. It’s like I have no libido and my sad porn doesn’t even get me off anymore so WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? DO I NEED VIAGRA FOR MY EMOTIONS?

Or, OR, is it that all this fucking therapy is finally working, and the rollercoaster and hypersensitivity I’m used to is *gasps* actually a thing of the past? Is this lack of feeling a sign of stability? How do I measure that, and who makes the measuring stick?

How do we measure wellness, and who makes the measuring?

Emotional lability is a possible indication that we are suffering mentally, and, so is an entire lack of emotional response.

Ever felt like you were riding a fucking high one week then ready to pull the plug the next? Same, sis. I used to have such extremes with my emotions.

Emotional lability is the tendency to shift rapidly and dramatically between different emotional states. People with high emotional lability are often described as "sensitive" or having "thin skin." -VeryWellMind

On the other end of the spectrum is apathy—the good ol’ feel nothing state that is often a characteristic of depression. Then there’s apathy’s twisted sissy anhedonia, the really delightful lack of feeling pleasure or joy.

friendly reminder: none of the above or following are meant to be diagnostic—just because you experience some apathy or emotional lability does not mean you have a clinical diagnosis of a mental illness. And, if you’re curious or concerned about your relationship to feeling, I invite you to talk to your doctor or a therapist. It’s ok to ask more questions :)

So, as someone who has lived in emotional lability-la-la land AND taken four day naps with my cousins apathetic and anhedonia, what does it feel like (no really, I’m asking you) TO BE IN THE MIDDLE?

What is the experience of someone who lives in the middle of feeling it all and not feeling at all?

I think, I think, I’m circling the drain. Or approaching the target. Or another metaphor for getting pretty fucking close.

Because on the one hand, I don’t fall to pieces when I’m rejected by someone I’m dating, but I also don’t shrug it off like it doesn’t matter. I feel some anxiety, some disappointment, maybe cry or breathe a little deeper for a half an hour, text a friend, drink maybe too much wine, and need some time to decompress or remind myself I’m a good catch.

So I ask you, IS THAT NORMAL? IS THAT HEALTHY? IS THAT THE MIDDLE? AND WHAT EVEN IS?

I digress. The point is this. I am learning that wellness (at least for me) is about noticing feelings when they happen, letting them exist, then returning to the present.

AKA, not dwelling or letting them spiral into something fantastical (I have a blog post about all the fun ways we can turn our feelings into non-reality here).

The point is, for ME, wellness is happening because I feel well. I’m learning to define health on my own terms, centered around my values, tethered to my needs and desires. Wellness is not a one size fits all, and I’m learning to fit my wellness into the shape I’m made of instead of changing my shape to match the societal ideal of wellness.

Yes, not feeling as much has cost me some art.

It’s true, losing some of my sensitivity has meant I have fewer dark holes to crawl out of. And often its in those dark places that I feel the most creative. Amie McNee (@inspiredtowrite on instagram) posted the below and OOPH, it resonates.

inspiredtowrite

A post shared by @inspiredtowrite

The “weller” I get, the less creative I feel.

As if my heartbreak is the only catalyst for love stories that just make sense. As if my ex husband was right when he said, “I’m worried if you write about your mental health you’ll always need to be unwell, or you’ll never have something to write about.”

read more about my ex-husband, divorce, and mental health in my memoir below👇🏽

I’m focusing on reminding myself that it’s probably somewhere in the middle—that it’s both/and, and that yes, I am less labile and yes, I am more stabile and yes, I am sensitive and creative and yes, I care about things and yes, I can remain unattached to outcomes and expectations and yes, yes, yes. And yes.

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Today’s Tip: Find Your Feelings!!!

While I am truly glad to feel so well, I also don’t want to turn off my heart. (And maybe you don’t either).

I want to stay open to joy and love and that means possibly, heartbreak and sorrow. Being open is far scarier than staying closed because the possibility of pain lurks in the shadows. And, I know from experience that life is so much more magical when I let the magic in.

Here are some things I’m practicing to tune into my emotional world.

1. MUSIC: Dance. Sing. See a live show. Put on music that pulls at the heartstrings (although I don’t recommend songs that specifically remind you of negative events, as that may be re-traumatizing). Music is a powerful way to tune into the body and soul—try it. (I have some awesome dance playlists here)

2. YOGA: Nothing like a yoga class to slow you down and bring you back to the body. Often I find the reason I’m “feel-less” is that I’m not in my body (danger zone if I’m also not in my head). Yoga is a gentle, meditative way to find your center, and maybe your spirit.

3. PRAY: Ok I am NOT religious, and, when I find myself in a regular spiritual ritual (like pulling tarot or following a guided meditation) I feel much more connected to something outside of myself. Connection in general generates powerful emotions.

4. WRITE: Yikes. I know. Wanna know why I avoid writing most of the time? I DON’T WANNA FEEL. Writing cracks my mind open and I’m forced to see all that’s gurgling inside me on the page. I have to bear witness to it all and acknowledge that it came from me. Nothing like a good journaling session to pull out the feels.

I have dozens of journaling templates on my website if you need some extra guidance 👇🏽

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Journaling Prompts

Speaking of writing, here’s a few prompts to help you tap into your emotional world!

As always, we’d love to hear what comes up in the comments if you use these :)

1. What emotions do you generally avoid, and why?

2. What are you afraid might happen if you felt something in a powerful way?

3. When was the last time you felt something really intensely? How did you recover?

4. What would it look like for you to find your own “middle” and shape wellness on your terms?

Above all else, I hope you know there is no right way. You are forging your own path. All we can do is seek support and hold out our hands for those around us along the way. It is with so much gratitude that I share this space with you along our path. You’re my hand to hold, and I hope you feel mine gripping yours tightly, too.

Thank you for your support and for existing.

With so much messy love,
Rachel

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