Kicking off season 2 by kicking myself in the butt for once again thinking a good life was about focusing solely on my own damn self, conforming to the norm (or whatever that is), & avoiding conflict.
This is really powerful stuff, Rachel. I, too, have come to the same conclusion recently, and found it liberating. I wish more people would come to this conclusion too, as I feel it would liberate them from feeling like their lives have to be a certain way. That causes so much suffering!
I'd say following your gut goes a long way. Me, I feel totally at ease with my relationship, but sometimes talking to friends and family they put stuff in my head about how my relationship has to be a certain way, and how my partner has to be a certain way... It really messes me up! It's hard to ignore it. But I'm coming to the conclusion I don't have to strive for their ideal of perfection when I'm perfectly happy and content with what my life is like.
I think an important part of understanding and accepting your ecosystem is being ok with the fact people will have different ideas of what "good" means––and you absolutely do not have to conform to what others think, but what you think. After years of being influenced and shamed (by society, friends, family...), though, it is hard to know what part of what you believe in is actually coming from your own mind, and what part comes from all the external influence the world has had on you. And the reality is... it's probably a mix of both. But how does one shed some of that dead weight that makes them turbulent and unhappy? Thoughts?
Anyway... thank you, and congrats again on this post and new season! Really excited to read more.
Yesss resonate so much with all you said. (And sorry for taking so long to reply, it’s been a turbulent couple of weeks). It can be hard to shed that “dead weight.” To know what’s us and what’s everyone else, ours or not. It’s something I’m battling constantly and weeding myself through in recovery. If I find any answers, I’ll share them🫶
Apr 4, 2023·edited Apr 4, 2023Liked by Rachel Havekost, M.Sc.
Oof, this hits home.
I've found that shame creeps into a lot of aspects of my ecosystem- similar to what Ana mentions in her comment, sometimes external forces (and internal ones, too) put ideas in my head about the way something has to be. The way that *gestures at everything* has taught me that things have to be. It is messy and scary to navigate the space between falling in line with that others think and stepping onto the path that feels true to me because in a lot of ways, it looks very different from what has been prescribed as what things "should" look like.
I read something one time that said that when framing something as the way something "should" be, it's coming from an angle that places the expectations of others over what feels in alignment. I think there's something there worth digging into, because for me, that's where shame creeps in. That feeling of, "Well, I should be doing xyz but the idea of that feels horrible and why don't I WANT the thing that people say I should want?"
Lately, the place I've been feeling the most shame is around work. I spent so much time and energy working for degrees to put myself in a place where I could thrive in an industry I thought I wanted to be in for a long time. Fast forward a year and a half out of grad school, and so much about the industry I worked to be in is unappealing and feels so out of sync with the things I truly want out of life and work. I've been applying to jobs in industries that feel more aligned, and I haven't been hearing much in return, which leads to me questioning why I would even want to switch careers and try something new when I have no idea if it is going to pan out. That feels shameful because in questioning why I would even want to switch, I know it's because what I'm doing doesn't feel right for me. Knowing that truth doesn't keep the shame at bay, though, because I haven't yet worked out how to trust my truth over other people's shoulds. How the heck do you stop being a people pleaser when so many things have taught so many of us that our value is external to us?
I'll be musing on this for a while. Looking forward to this season with you & this community.
Felicia! I am SO sorry I missed this comment!! Thank you for such a thoughtful reply, and I totally agree with that scary space in between what "should" be and what "could" be. I once had a therapist describe the concept of "should-heading" as an internalized voice I project onto myself and others, and anytime I used the word "should" to counter it with "stop should-heading yourself." That interruption has allowed me to pause in those moments and then ask, "who says I should? where is that coming from? what if I didn't? and what would I do instead?"
Again thank you SO much for this comment, and I am SO sorry I didn't see it until now! Thank you so much for being here!
This is really powerful stuff, Rachel. I, too, have come to the same conclusion recently, and found it liberating. I wish more people would come to this conclusion too, as I feel it would liberate them from feeling like their lives have to be a certain way. That causes so much suffering!
I'd say following your gut goes a long way. Me, I feel totally at ease with my relationship, but sometimes talking to friends and family they put stuff in my head about how my relationship has to be a certain way, and how my partner has to be a certain way... It really messes me up! It's hard to ignore it. But I'm coming to the conclusion I don't have to strive for their ideal of perfection when I'm perfectly happy and content with what my life is like.
I think an important part of understanding and accepting your ecosystem is being ok with the fact people will have different ideas of what "good" means––and you absolutely do not have to conform to what others think, but what you think. After years of being influenced and shamed (by society, friends, family...), though, it is hard to know what part of what you believe in is actually coming from your own mind, and what part comes from all the external influence the world has had on you. And the reality is... it's probably a mix of both. But how does one shed some of that dead weight that makes them turbulent and unhappy? Thoughts?
Anyway... thank you, and congrats again on this post and new season! Really excited to read more.
Yesss resonate so much with all you said. (And sorry for taking so long to reply, it’s been a turbulent couple of weeks). It can be hard to shed that “dead weight.” To know what’s us and what’s everyone else, ours or not. It’s something I’m battling constantly and weeding myself through in recovery. If I find any answers, I’ll share them🫶
Oof, this hits home.
I've found that shame creeps into a lot of aspects of my ecosystem- similar to what Ana mentions in her comment, sometimes external forces (and internal ones, too) put ideas in my head about the way something has to be. The way that *gestures at everything* has taught me that things have to be. It is messy and scary to navigate the space between falling in line with that others think and stepping onto the path that feels true to me because in a lot of ways, it looks very different from what has been prescribed as what things "should" look like.
I read something one time that said that when framing something as the way something "should" be, it's coming from an angle that places the expectations of others over what feels in alignment. I think there's something there worth digging into, because for me, that's where shame creeps in. That feeling of, "Well, I should be doing xyz but the idea of that feels horrible and why don't I WANT the thing that people say I should want?"
Lately, the place I've been feeling the most shame is around work. I spent so much time and energy working for degrees to put myself in a place where I could thrive in an industry I thought I wanted to be in for a long time. Fast forward a year and a half out of grad school, and so much about the industry I worked to be in is unappealing and feels so out of sync with the things I truly want out of life and work. I've been applying to jobs in industries that feel more aligned, and I haven't been hearing much in return, which leads to me questioning why I would even want to switch careers and try something new when I have no idea if it is going to pan out. That feels shameful because in questioning why I would even want to switch, I know it's because what I'm doing doesn't feel right for me. Knowing that truth doesn't keep the shame at bay, though, because I haven't yet worked out how to trust my truth over other people's shoulds. How the heck do you stop being a people pleaser when so many things have taught so many of us that our value is external to us?
I'll be musing on this for a while. Looking forward to this season with you & this community.
Felicia! I am SO sorry I missed this comment!! Thank you for such a thoughtful reply, and I totally agree with that scary space in between what "should" be and what "could" be. I once had a therapist describe the concept of "should-heading" as an internalized voice I project onto myself and others, and anytime I used the word "should" to counter it with "stop should-heading yourself." That interruption has allowed me to pause in those moments and then ask, "who says I should? where is that coming from? what if I didn't? and what would I do instead?"
Again thank you SO much for this comment, and I am SO sorry I didn't see it until now! Thank you so much for being here!