You say that your eating disorder started because you felt unlovable. How did you come to feel unlovable? Might it have had to do with the way you were parented?
Physical, emotional, sexual abuse are not the only ways in which parents hurt their children and leave them with lifelong issues. Intellectually, I know that my parents loved me, but as a child, I felt that I was lovable only when I behaved myself, as that's when my parents were affectionate, calm, and kind. If I made a mess, broke something, left my toys out, or did anything else that upset the balance, I got yelled at (sometimes spanked, not terribly often). Most of all, I got shamed and confused. I felt emotions like anger, sadness, maybe even joy, but was not allowed to express them because that rocked the boat. When my mother was worried, she got angry. When she and my father fought, she gave all of us the silent treatment. How was a young child supposed to understand any of this? All I knew was that losing my parents' love was a risk to be avoided at all costs, so I tried my best to be the girl they wanted me to be. Then, as I grew, I did the same with everyone else.
About a year ago, I came to understand that I have an emotional eating disorder and was fortunate enough to stumble upon the books of Alice Miller. The world and my life (and my husband's and children's lives) look very different now. We've dug into memories that sting with shame or confusion or pain and we allow ourselves to express the emotions we were never allowed to before: with no guilt, no shame, no questions about whether doing so is right or wrong. The body responds to every experience with emotions. They are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Until we understand that and allow our bodies to let go of the pain, anger, fear, sadness, confusion, hate that we still cling to, nothing changes. These emotions just switch places and instead of fearing the loss of our parents' love, we fear the loss of someone else's love or respect, or we fear social situations or food or driving. Just about any substitute will do (yes, drugs, alcohol, sexual perversions).
Every Alice Miller book is worthwhile, but some are more straightforward than others. Right now, I'm finding "Free from Lies" quite helpful. Here's a sample from her website:
"I think that the worst pain we must experience in order to become emotionally honest is to admit that we were never loved when we needed it most. It is easy to say this but it is very, very hard to feel it. And to accept it. To get rid of the expectation that one-day my parents will change and will love me. However, in contrast to children, adults can get rid of this illusion – to the benefit of their health and their offspring.
"People who absolutely want to know their truth can do it. And I do think that these individuals will change the world. They will not be “heroes”, they might be quite modest people but there is no doubt that their emotional honesty will once be able to break down the wall of ignorance, denial and violence. The pain of not being loved is only a feeling; a feeling is never destructive when it is directed at the person who caused the pain. Then even hatred is not destructive as long as it is conscious and not acted out. But it can be very destructive, even very dangerous, for oneself and others, if it is denied and directed at scapegoats."
Remember, Alice is not talking about intellectually knowing that you are loved; she's talking about your body knowing that you are/were loved.
You say that your eating disorder started because you felt unlovable. How did you come to feel unlovable? Might it have had to do with the way you were parented?
Physical, emotional, sexual abuse are not the only ways in which parents hurt their children and leave them with lifelong issues. Intellectually, I know that my parents loved me, but as a child, I felt that I was lovable only when I behaved myself, as that's when my parents were affectionate, calm, and kind. If I made a mess, broke something, left my toys out, or did anything else that upset the balance, I got yelled at (sometimes spanked, not terribly often). Most of all, I got shamed and confused. I felt emotions like anger, sadness, maybe even joy, but was not allowed to express them because that rocked the boat. When my mother was worried, she got angry. When she and my father fought, she gave all of us the silent treatment. How was a young child supposed to understand any of this? All I knew was that losing my parents' love was a risk to be avoided at all costs, so I tried my best to be the girl they wanted me to be. Then, as I grew, I did the same with everyone else.
About a year ago, I came to understand that I have an emotional eating disorder and was fortunate enough to stumble upon the books of Alice Miller. The world and my life (and my husband's and children's lives) look very different now. We've dug into memories that sting with shame or confusion or pain and we allow ourselves to express the emotions we were never allowed to before: with no guilt, no shame, no questions about whether doing so is right or wrong. The body responds to every experience with emotions. They are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Until we understand that and allow our bodies to let go of the pain, anger, fear, sadness, confusion, hate that we still cling to, nothing changes. These emotions just switch places and instead of fearing the loss of our parents' love, we fear the loss of someone else's love or respect, or we fear social situations or food or driving. Just about any substitute will do (yes, drugs, alcohol, sexual perversions).
Every Alice Miller book is worthwhile, but some are more straightforward than others. Right now, I'm finding "Free from Lies" quite helpful. Here's a sample from her website:
"I think that the worst pain we must experience in order to become emotionally honest is to admit that we were never loved when we needed it most. It is easy to say this but it is very, very hard to feel it. And to accept it. To get rid of the expectation that one-day my parents will change and will love me. However, in contrast to children, adults can get rid of this illusion – to the benefit of their health and their offspring.
"People who absolutely want to know their truth can do it. And I do think that these individuals will change the world. They will not be “heroes”, they might be quite modest people but there is no doubt that their emotional honesty will once be able to break down the wall of ignorance, denial and violence. The pain of not being loved is only a feeling; a feeling is never destructive when it is directed at the person who caused the pain. Then even hatred is not destructive as long as it is conscious and not acted out. But it can be very destructive, even very dangerous, for oneself and others, if it is denied and directed at scapegoats."
Remember, Alice is not talking about intellectually knowing that you are loved; she's talking about your body knowing that you are/were loved.