How to Make Friends As an Adult
The story of how I started from scratch post-divorce, and what the research tells us about why we struggle to make adult relationships (plus, of course, what you can do to make frienz againz).
After I got divorced I had to start from scratch.
There is no fancy way to explain this timeline other than chronologically, it’s just too weird and complex and pandemic-ridden.
Essentially, my ex-husband and I moved to Spokane in 2016 so I could finish my master’s degree.
In 2017, we got married. In my wedding vows, I promised him we’d go on the motorcycle trip he’d always dreamed of, but didn’t want to take because of how long we’d be apart.
Six months later, I had a mental health breakdown and relapsed in my eating disorder and suicidal depression. I withdrew from my program (enter shame) to get well.
In 2018, we embarked on the vowed motorcycle trip: a 10-month motorcycle trip from Seattle to South America. Headed for the tip of Argentina, and the end of our marriage.
You can read the full story of that trip, our divorce, and my recovery in my memoir, “Where the River Flows”
When we got divorced in May of 2020, it was the height of the pandemic.
Due to the fact that we had spent several years away from our hometown, sold all of our belongings for the trip, and become fairly co-dependent, we were lacking consistent community, proximity to friends and family, and general stability.
Neither of us had a home to live in or a city to call our own. We were both literally starting from scratch in a time when there was no way to make physical connections.
Talk about a shitty time to start over.
Still, I was determined to foster community and start a new life. I’d lost half of my friends overnight (alot of my friends were his friends, and sadly those relationships didn’t last post-divorce) and my close college friends were sprinkled across the country.
Aside: I have no hard feelings for the friendships I lost after our divorce. Not everything lasts, and, in some ways I needed to separate myself from “our” life as a married couple in order to move on. So whether it was a matter of them “taking sides” or me needing space, I know that it was what was best for me moving forward.
My experience backpacking and traveling in the years prior to our divorce helped me immensely during this starting-from-scratch-era.
(PS, I am hosting a group trip to Bali this summer, so if you’re looking to travel and build some incredible connections along the way, I’d love to have you on the trip.)
Traveling to new cities every few days and staying in hostels with other solo travelers had taught me how to quickly strike up conversations with strangers, cultivate genuine curiosity, and say “yes” to outings even if I knew nobody attending.
While I had some good skills for building friendship, the added layer of the pandemic posed some serious challenges, and I turned to social media for a lot of connection. I learned to make connections with strangers in new ways (digital) and spent a lot of time in therapy working on my blocks around intimacy and connection (fear of rejection).
Eventually I found myself back in Seattle. I had one close friend here and a few old acquaintances, but I still felt like I was starting over. So I mustered up all of my old skills, learned new ones, and spend a year building a community for myself here.
If you’re also in the Seattle area, I’m hosting an afternoon event to build community and connection on February 10th, and I’d love to have you.
Here is What I Have Learned About Making Friends as An Adult (and What Research Says About Adult Relationships)
I’ve learned a lot about forming friendships as an adult over the last four years--and that ranges from acquaintances to gym buddies to best friends and full blown community. Friendship, I’ve learned, has its own beautiful spectrum and not every friendship will look the same or fill the same needs.
I’ve also learned that human connection is one of the most reliable predictors of physical and emotional wellbeing across the lifespan.
“A review of 38 studies found that adult friendships, especially high-quality ones that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety” (Abrams, 2023).
Conversely, social isolation, loneliness, and disconnect contribute to depression, anxiety, increased risk for heart attack, and premature death.
I don’t bring these studies up to scare you--only to validate the pain that you might be experiencing as a result of your loneliness. It’s real, and you have every human, biological indication to need human connection to survive (Abrams, 2023).
Here’s Why You Might Struggle to Make Friends
There are several reasons we might struggle to make friends, and I’ll highlight a few below that I’ve experienced (and are also expressed in studies of friendship).
1. Fear of Rejection
I have done a lot of research on the concept of belongingness (see more in my keynote talk here), and my final paper for grad school was on the relationship between our sense of belongingness and social media.
During my research I came across Thomas Joiner’s theory of suicide. According to him, there are three singular components that when present simultaneously, predict suicidal behavior:
The desire to die.
The belief that we are a burden.
Thwarted belongingness.
Belonging is not an abstract, might be nice to have, sort of important concept. It is literally the difference between believing our life is worth living, or it isn’t (Joiner, 2007).
The problem is, so many of us do everything we can to experience belonging except for the one thing that is required to experience it: being our truest selves.
The reason so many of us struggle with belonging is that we wear masks, abandon ourselves, and operate from the belief “it’s not safe to be me.” We camouflage and mold ourselves into who we think we should be. We let shame and the fear of rejection take us out of our own truest selves, and as a result, miss opportunities for true belonging—and research supports that (The Psychology behind Making New Friends | Walden University, n.d.).
When I was a teenager I often felt excluded, rejected, and invisible.
I did everything I could to obtain the feeling of belonging. I dressed like my peers. I listened to the same music as my crushes. I did everything I could to mold myself into what I thought other people wanted me to be so that I could belong.
By the time I was 20, I no longer knew who I was. I was drowning in suicidal depression, alcohol abuse, and an eating disorder (read more about my story in my memoir, “Where the River Flows”).
In times when I’d try to find the courage to open up and be myself, I was met with confusion, misunderstanding, or rejection. The masks I’d been wearing for so long had placed me in social groups and scenarios that reflected none of my true interests or ways of being.
So when I finally tried to take the mask off and show my true self, I became an imposter in a room of strangers.
Those rejections felt like reinforcements of what I already believed to be true: it’s not safe to be me.
2. Thinking All Friends Have to be Best Friends
The other problem I encountered was that I was expecting every friend to fulfill every one of my needs.
What I didn’t realize is that just as I won’t be everything for everyone, I can’t expect every friend to be everything for me. Nobody is perfect.
Luckily, studies show that even having acquaintances (like knowing the name of your barista or yoga teacher) can contribute to mental and physical wellbeing. Simply seeing a familiar face and having a small interaction regulates the nervous system and grounds us.
While it might seem daunting to talk to strangers, research shows interactions with passers by can cultivate some of the most meaningful human connections.
(Case in point--when I met a stranger on a train in Scotland, and we ended up spending the whole train ride talking about grief).
Conversely, it’s important to remember that we get to choose how we treat the people in our lives.
Some people might just be a stranger on a train who fill our human connection cup for the day, while others are people we share values with and want to maintain relationship to.
i.e., I am probably not sending a birthday present to the man I met on the train, but it would behoove my relationship with a good friend to send her a gift for hers (Abrams, 2023).
“I might not be everything for everyone, but I will be something for someone.”
-Rachel Havekost
3. Hyperindepenence and Not Trusting Others
This screwed me up for a LONG time. I didn’t feel confident in my conversation skills, and, didn’t feel safe to share myself with people.
Studies have also shown that lack of trust or thinking relationships are transactional has prevented adults from making friends. Again, getting to know yourself will help you breakdown where those trust issues or fears come from, and hopefully build some new beliefs that people are trustworthy and simply want to connect with you (Abrams, 2023).
This has taken me a long time to learn, and it has gone hand in hand with my hyper-independence. I used to think I could (and had to) do everything myself, and that I didn’t actually need people. This cut me off from many social opportunities, like someone offering to help me move or teach me a new yoga pose in class. I instantly thought “what do you want from me,” when these offers occurred, and turned them down. I often think about how many relationships, close or otherwise I cut myself off from because I believed people’s intentions were malicious.
This isn’t to say some people don’t want something from you, not everyone simply wants to connect. And, I know that by operating exclusively from the “they want something from me” lens, I stayed lonely for a really long time.
So How Do We Make Friends as Adults?
The good new is, research says that friends can be made at any age.
Not only that, but friendships--especially meaningful ones, impact our physical and mental health.
Studies have shown that engaging in difficult activities beside a friend showed decreased heart rate, lowered blood pressure, and lower perceived difficulty of the task (Abrams, 2023).
Aka, it’s healthy (and possible) to make friends.
Here are three ways to make friends as an adult across the whole spectrum--from acquaintance, to gym buddy, to bestie.
1. Know Yourself
It’s hard to take off a mask if you don’t know you’re wearing one.
This is why therapy, journaling, and self-discovery are actually valuable when it comes to building relationships. I can’t expect someone to form a relationship with me if I don’t even know who me is.
Therapy isn’t an option for everyone, so here are some ways to build self-knowing:
Values Work
Values are words that represent core beliefs or personal codes of conduct.
There are over 400 values, because essentially values are just words. Examples might be respect, community, accountability, or freedom. They are concepts that we value to be essential to our way of life, and when we aren’t acting in alignment with them, we feel out of sorts.
Here is an instructive, step by step article I wrote on how to figure out what your values are and use them to inform your actions, relationships, and selfhood.
Develop a Hobby
Oftentimes “knowing ourselves” means understanding what we like. Think about it—when you get to know someone, what do you ask them? What are your hobbies? What do you do in your free time? We ask this because it helps us understand a person’s interests, activity or energy levels, motivators, and inspirations. By trying new things or dabbling in different hobbies, you’ll start to get closer to your own motivators, inspiration, and interests, and clearer on what you don’t actually like or enjoy.
Get in Touch With Your Feelings
How fun. Feeling instead of numbing. I know. But truthfully, once I stopped answering “how are you” with “fine” or “good” and started really tuning into my emotional world, I suddenly knew myself so much better. I understood more about my boundaries, likes/dislikes, needs, and what hurt and what healed. Knowing my emotional world on a regular basis provided me with immense self-knowing.
Not sure how to identify your feelings? Download this “feelings wheel” which will help you start to name your emotions! I used this during recovery and it helped me get in touch with myself tenfold.
Daily Journaling
Ah, my favorite. Journaling is literally one of my FAVORITE self-discovery tools.
There are many ways to approach journaling—from morning pages (dumping out your thoughts first thing in the AM) to structured journaling (answering specific prompts).
One of my favorite ways to do daily journaling is with morning affirmations, gratitude, and a little daily check-in (try my free 7 day journal that includes all of that with instructions and prompts if you need some guidance!).
If you’re looking for some SERIOUS self-discovery and are committed to knowing and transforming yourself, I recommend my 30-day Guided Journal, Write to Heal
Photo by Maria Ballesteros on Unsplash
2. Stay Curious, Stay Open
Whether you’re talking to a stranger in line at a coffee shop or attempting to build a friendship with someone you see regularly at your gym, there are a few key tenets to cultivating conversation and developing rapport.
Start with being curious where the stakes are low.
If you’re at the airport, on the bus, or in line at the supermarket, chances are you’re in proximity to someone you’ll likely never see again. These are great opportunities to practice curiosity and openness without much expectation or outcome--if the person doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine because you weren’t seeking a longterm friendship. If you lose your words and blackout from anxiety, again, the loss is lower.
To start a conversation with a stranger, lead with genuine curiosity.
Asking things like, “where did you get your shirt?” or “where are you traveling?” might seem basic or mundane, but if you really cared, how would the rest of that conversation unfold? If you were genuinely curious about someone’s destination at the airport, why they were going, and who they were planning to see, what might you learn about someone? And what might they learn about you in the process?
These micro-connections become rehearsal for friendship-building.
They give us confidence to approach people, ask questions, listen, and respond. It also gives us the experience of being asked a question, answering, and getting a variety of reactions. This teaches our brains to a) handle rejection, and b) experience connection. Because both will happen when we put ourselves out there.
Once we feel safer to engage in these micro-connections, we can start to bridge the gap between the acquaintances we form from our existing networks to meaningful friendships.
When we start to spend more time with people, we start to build intimacy and connection that is deeper than one-off conversations. To do this, studies show that we should treat our friends with the same kind of care and mental/emotional intimacy as we might a partner.
Regardless of whether you’re trying to make a friend or find a partner, treat the person you’re building a relationship with just like that: that you’re building a relationship. Acts of intimacy should not just be reserved for lovers--buy a friend a gift, remember their favorite music, text them good morning, and go on friend dates. Intimacy is at the core of meaningful relationships, and that requires openness, curiosity, vulnerability, and expressed interest (Abrams, 2023).
If you don’t have many opportunities to connect in person, try my 7-Day Guided Journal for Deep Connection.
3. Use Your Existing Networks
“First, friendships don't just happen. In fact, the belief that they happen organically can hinder our chances of making friends” (Franco, 2019).
Showing up places doesn’t mean you’ll automatically meet people (or that they’ll approach you). Cultivating friendship requires showing up and reaching out. In psychology this is called “overt avoidance” and “covert avoidance:”
“Overt avoidance means failing to show up at events and clubs, and covert avoidance means failing to engage with people when you get there. We have to overcome both overt and covert avoidance to make friends. It's not enough just to place yourself in the vicinity of others if you're not willing to introduce yourself” (Franco, 2019).
Yes, you will have to talk to people to make friends. Yes, you will have to talk to strangers to make acquaintances. Yes, that is overwhelming and anxiety-provoking.
And, the more solid you are in #1 (knowing yourself), the higher the chances are of you bouncing back from rejection. It doesn’t mean it won’t suck or hurt when it happens, but it will suck less.
A simple an effective way to make initial connections with people according to research is to use your existing networks (Gordon, 2023).
I’ve used all of the below to build relationships, whether it’s turned into someone I call to help walk Milo or a fellow karaoke-lover to sing my guts out with. Remember--not all friends have to be best friends. It’s about cultivating closeness in myriad ways to foster the experience of connection.
Examples of Existing Networks:
Neighbors
Yep. Neighbors.
I had a neighbor ask me five times if I wanted to have a glass of wine one night before I said yes. I kept saying no because I assumed he wanted something from me. Turns out he just wanted a fucking friend and I was being an asshole. Ok that’s harsh. But true. I was SO fixated on the idea that relationships were transactional that I couldn’t see an attempt to connect.
Now we spend many nights drinking wine and watching dumb videos online together, helping eachother walk our pups or pupsit, and wishing eachother happy holidays and waxing poetic about our dating life. We’re friends.
Gym or Workout Class
If you frequent a particular workout class or go to the gym at the same time, chances are you’ll see the same people over and over. This might be the person who checks you in or someone who’s workout ethic you admire.
“A famous tenet of psychology is called the ‘mere exposure effect.’ People like us more if they are merely exposed to our face” (Franco, 2019).
Start with a smile and wave, and maybe one day introducing yourself. My favorite line is, "I see you every day so I figured it would be nice to know your name so I can say hi! I’m Rachel, what’s your name?” Think of this as an opportunity to have a micro-connection and over time, if conversation unfolds, perhaps a friendship.
*Please be mindful sometimes the gym is someone’s alone/me time and not everyone will want to say hi or chat. That’s ok! This is why in these scenarios I like to be extra cautious and slow with moving from a “hello” to full blown “wanna hang out?”
Local Cafe or Bar
I work remotely, so often times I’ll go sit in a cafe or bar to work and be around other human beings. Similar to the gym, this might mean my barista/bartender becomes a familiar face, or I might see the same patrons.
Use the same micro-connection opportunity here—again focus less on “my bartender is gonna be my bestie!” and more on “it will be nice to see someone today who knows my name and face.”
Connection begets connection—your relationship with a barista or gym-goer might not end up being your life long bff, but that friendly face might be the reason you’re introduced to someone who could be.
Above all, remember that not all friendships are the same.
Some happen fast, some take time, some come by surprise. Different people will provide us with different experiences, capabilities, and capacity. It’s important to honor your process and have grace for yourself.
Find gratitude for any connection you experience along the way, knowing the friends you make as an adult will not reflect or feel like the ones you made as a child or teenager. And if you struggled to make friends as a teen or child, remind yourself that you always have the chance to start now. It’s never too late.
Let me know in the comments if you have any questions (or need a buddy! I bet you could find a digital one here).
Happy Be-Friending,
Rachel
Events, Trips, and In-Person Experiences With Rachel in 2024:
“Saturday Sabbatical” co-hosted by Rachel!
February 10th, noon-4:30pm
Woodinville Lavendar Farms (Greater Seattle Area)
Take a short trip outside of Seattle for an interactive day of learning, connecting, moving, sauna and cold therapy.
“Recalibrate 2024” Rachel will be a keynote speaker at this wellness event!
March 8th-9th
Charlotte, NC
A full-day experience designed to enlighten your perspective, transform your mindset, and invite you to tune in and take action.
“Bali Bound, BB” group trip to Bali hosted by Rachel!
August 23-29th
Bali, Indonesia
7 day group trip of exploration, culture, food, shopping, beachin’, yoga, and making new friends along the way.
References:
Abrams, Z. (2023, June 1). The science of why friendships keep us healthy. Apa.org. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
Franco, M. (2019). The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/platonic-love/201908/the-secret-making-friends-adult
Gordon, S. (2023, November 16). 15 Easy Ways to Find and Make Friends as an Adult. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-4769076
Joiner, T. (2007). Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press.
Pezirkianidis, C., Galanaki, E., Raftopoulou, G., Moraitou, D., & Stalikas, A. (2023). Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review with practical implications. Frontiers in Psychology, 14(14). https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1059057
The Psychology Behind Making New Friends | Walden University. (n.d.). Www.waldenu.edu. Retrieved January 3, 2024, from https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/the-psychology-behind-making-new-friends#:~:text=But%20did%20you%20know%20researchers
This was really great Rachel. The highlight for me was your conversation about grief with the stranger on the train. It was so lovely and endearing. It shows how much people want to talk about the deep things. At age 61, I'm getting more comfortable with transparency. But you're showing that it can be done at a far earlier age.
Brava Rachel
So well said