How to sit with scary feelings

I've been avoiding grief, anger, and all things sad. HBU?

Welcome to week nine, season one of The Messy Middle.

This season is all about presence. For first three months of 2023, we are embarking on a journey together of embracing the present moment, slowing down, and finding focus.

We started in January, so if you’re just joining us feel free to go back to week one and begin there! To access all the newsletters you’ll need to be a paid subscriber. You can do a 7-day Free Trial below XX.

Last week we reflected on the first two months of season one. I gave you some journaling prompts and shared my top three lessons learned thus far.

This week, we’re talking about staying present with scary feelings. The big and messy. The uh-oh it hurts so much I’d rather not. The I’m scared if I let myself feel it, I’ll never stop.

What’s messin’ around in today’s newsletter:

1. Staying present with scary emotions: How can we ride the wave and come out the other side without drowning?

2. Today’s Tip: I’ll offer a practical tool that you can start to apply this week.

3. Rach’s Reccs: A few resources for you to explore in your own time this week or for the duration of the season to supplement your learning and growth.

4. Journaling Prompts: Some questions to help you get close to the scary emotions you might avoid.

Scary emotions gotta be felt. Damn.

Last week I saved this post by Alexa Rainville on instagram:

alexa.rainville

A post shared by alexa ☾ medicine woman & psychic coach (@alexa.rainville)

She perfectly captured the way I would like to process scary feelings. For the most part, I logically conceptualize emotions the way she’s describing: as not inherently bad or good, but rather as opportunities for us to turn inward and get curious.

This got me thinking about really scary emotions—which is subjective.

What feels scary to me might not feel scary to you, and vice versa. I’ve polled my IG audience many times about this and it’s always interesting to see what people say. Some folks are afraid to feel love and joy, while others are afraid to feel anger or rage.

»Follow me on instagram if you want to participate next time!

My scary emotions (i.e. the ones I shove deep down, project, or ignore) are sorrow (specifically grief and loneliness) and anger (rejection, betrayal, annoyance).

Grief still looms over me daily, and I’ve realized how much I avoid re-visiting it’s tangled web.

The last time I sat with my grief it fucking sucked. No sugar-coating here: it hurts to feel the pain of loss.

In late August—just a few weeks after what would have been my 5th wedding anniversary—I was spiraling into a dissociative drunken depression, doing everything I could to avoid feeling the grief that bubbled below the surface.

I was sleeping upwards of 15 hours a day, finding myself immersed in a rage-attack, or totally dissociated over a tub of peanut butter.

My friend offered to hold a breathwork session (which I heavily resisted — I had no interest in feeling my feelings or moving through them. What I wanted was a bottle of wine and Netflix to distract me.)

“How are you feeling?” my friend asked me afterwards. “Terrible.” I gurgled.

I felt horrific. It was as if my entire body was filled with darkness. A black, thick smoke that felt inescapable, yet not my own.

“I feel just, angry. And I’ve worked through a lot of anger in the last two years. It’s an emotion I never used to let myself feel, so it’s been a theme in therapy and my self-work. It’s also interesting because this anger doesn’t feel like the anger I’ve worked through before. It’s almost like, a shadow. Maybe its just shadow work. Or maybe its not my anger. I can’t really tell. Which also pisses me off.”

“Who are you angry at?” she asked.

I started to cry.

“I think,” I murmured, “I think I’m angry at me.”

“And what are you angry at yourself for?”

She was so calm and seemingly unaffected by my anger. Damn, I thought, this is cool — I’m safe. It’s safe for me to feel my anger and process it.

“I’m angry at myself, because I still think that at the root, it’s my fault we got divorced.”