What two months of presence has taught me

And the top three lessons learned

Welcome to week eight, season one of The Messy Middle.

This season is all about presence. For three months, we are embarking on a journey together of embracing the present moment, slowing down, and finding focus.

We started in January, so if you’re just joining us feel free to go back to week one and begin there! To access all the newsletters you’ll need to be a paid subscriber. You can do a 7-day Free Trial below XX.

Last week we focused on implementing “micro-pauses,” a way for us to notice miniature moments of clarity, information, or emotions tucked neatly under the surface.

This week I feel a shift emerging as we enter into the final month of season of presence: one in which we start to honor all that presence has taught us, for better or for worse.

What’s messin’ around in today’s newsletter:

1. Lessons from Presence: What committing to two months of radical presence has unearthed.

2. Today’s Tip: A tip for bearing witness to the full spectrum of what presence is teaching us.

3. Journaling Prompt: Some questions to help you reflect on what presence is teaching you.

4. Rach’s Reccs: Weekly music, podcasts, readings & more for you to explore in your own time to supplement your learning and growth.

Lessons from Presence

After two months of radically committing to presence, I’ve learned a fuck-ton. My avoidant-ass still loves to run from my emotions. I continue to put pressure on myself to be perfect despite knowing perfection doesn’t exist. The past still haunts me, and though I like to tell myself and all my hinge matches that I’m done grieving my marriage, I’m oh-so-not.

Read more about my divorce and grieving process in my memoir, Where the River Flows

Top 3 Lessons Learned (thus far)

The three biggest lessons I’ve learned in the last two months of finding presence:

1. Feel your feelings: they will not kill you.

I know why I avoid being present with my grief and emotional state. It hurts. Like hell. There is nothing more excruciating than heartbreak, especially when it’s woven tightly into knots around my sense of being lovable and wanted in this world. My chest gets cold just writing about it.

Still, presence is providing me with the reckonings I know are neccessary. Like I said in a newsletter from the beginning of February, “running from storms doesn’t change their course, and I can’t outrun storms.”

2. Let go of the past. Then let go more.

Ah, yeah. The past is not here. It never will be. And the more I look at old photos, remember old stories, or ask myself questions about why things unfolded as they did, the more I suffer in the here and now. Yes, reflection is a positive tool for harnessing self-awareness and implementing behavioral change, but staying mentally trapped in the the past is a turbulent cycle that has not provided me any relief.

“When you think you've surrendered, surrender more.”

-Gabrielle Bernstein

3. Forget multi-tasking, start singular-tasking.

In week one of this season I outlined the benefits of cultivating presence. I talked about the notion of “singular attention,” and how shifting from a focus on multi-tasking to a focus on singular-tasking is a way to strengthen our mental and social capacities.

Singular-tasking has massively improved my relationships—not just with people but with what I eat, my body and what she communicates to me, and my emotional state.

Relationships with people are the big winner here. The more present I became, the more I actually had to listen and respond genuinely in conversations. I started to pick up on smaller details in what someone was saying, which led me to ask better questions, foster deeper connection, and fall into that zoned-in place where “we lost track of time.”

My love for the people in my life has grown because I feel closer to them. I focused so deeply on dropping all the urges to multi-task while engaging with my humans, and as a result, I feel more connected and less alone.

Today’s Tip: Love What You’ve Learned, then Let it Go.

In today’s Monday Check-in on my instagram stories (every Monday I do a check-in with my audience on my stories—come follow me if you’d like to join the weekly grounding routine!) I asked my audience to share what they plan to let go of from February, and what they’re looking forward to in March.

As you go through today’s journaling prompts, the invitation will be to reflect and listen to what you’re learning, honor it, maybe even love it, then let it go. It is now in the past, and all there is today is today. Love what’ you’ve learned, then let it go.

Journaling Prompts (share in the comments!)

Today’s prompts will help you gather your own personal collection of lessons learned. You’ll build a little toolkit, list, or pocket-full of wisdom gleaned in the practice of presence.

If you are just joining us or are new to my Substack, these prompts may not feel relevant and that’s ok! I invite you to go back to past posts and see if there are journaling prompts there that spark your interest. Alternatively, you can apply these to general lessons learned in the last month or two outside of a “presence practice.”

1. What was the biggest challenge I faced in practicing presence?

2. Where did I feel resistance to getting present?

3. What came easiest in my presence practice?

4. By becoming more present, what did I notice change in my life (good/bad/messy/all of it)?

5. How did finding presence improve my life, and how do I know it?

6. If I could boil down the lessons learned into my top 3, what would they be?

Rach’s Recommendations

My recommendation for you this week is to rest. Transitioning between months always makes me feel rushed or like there’s tons to do, and I have no interest in adding to your plate. You’re doing enough. You are enough. Rest when you can, and give yourself a break from “the work.” You’ll be here, and so will we, when you’re ready.

If you’re craving a little extra doing, check out some past Monday Messy’s with tons of recommendations.

Gentle Reminders:

March Journaling Prompts

Next week I’ll be posting our March Journaling prompts.

Monthly journaling prompts are in-depth, long form questions designed to spark self-knowing and growth. These posts are for paid subscribers, so if you’d like to access these and past monthly prompts I invite you to upgrade your subscription.

Paid subscriptions are only $5/month, and you’ll get access to all past newsletters, stories, monthly journaling prompts, and the mess hall community chat xx.

Join the Mess Hall!

If you haven’t already, introduce yourself in the chat!

You’ll need to download the Susbtack app on your mobile to access the chat. Once you do, you’ll be able to join us for check-ins, conversation, and support!

I love you!

Final reminder, I am so eternally grateful you are here. Without you my writing means nothing, and you keep me going. I could not be here today if it weren’t for your support, readership, and shared vulnerability. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

All my messy love,
Rach

My bestselling memoir, “Where the River Flows”